The Loo & The Lock

There is this lock that has a chain

The one that I see in movies

I discovered that

if you have long fingers

You can open it.

I am not interested in that right now

The nail gets my attention

The one that we have on the frame of our door

Bent and rotated to prevent people from getting into rooms

like they contributed towards building them or

Like they own them.

Make sure to replace it with a thicker one after sometime

Or remove that one and put another in a different position

To make sure it is firm at all time.

This nail is very very important especially

on door frames that open into a toilet.

Very dangerous when it is lose…

Maybe if our doors were not built to fully cover the opening

We would bend to peep through the space under the door

To check if the loo was occupied

Oh! I have just realized you can only do this in public toilets

Not in the house

Because

1. We would always walk out of the house

when anyone goes for a long call and

2. We dont want people to know how our underwear looks like.

When your compound is spacious

If you are kind

children will always come to play

Running everywhere,

which will make the kids thirsty

So every now and then, they’ll drink water.

Suddenly at around 3 or 4 pm the kids are pressed…

If your stomach is patient

you will go to the loo

one or two hours after lunch

I’ll not forget to say that

I have noticed women

go for long calls in the first half of the morning

And men between lunch and supper

You have entered the loo

turned the nail to block the door

As you take your garments down

or lift your skirt up

Halfway to the toilet seat

You remember

you have not checked if

there is an insect looking at you

doing your business

It could be having a camera

you never know

So you look around.

And there it is

Back to your body, the garments go

Because there is going to be war…

You open the door

If it is a moth, you will get a towel

and wave it away

If it is a spider, you get one slipper

and misdirect your anger to it

If it is a wasp, you go for a long sleeved top

then cover your face with a leso or bedsheet

depending on how afraid you are of the wasp…

Then the war begins.

You win.

Like a rehearsal

you go through the same process

of undressing, again

This time you are comfortably seated

Looking at your phone

while you do your business

You have just finished writing an illegal post

that could land you in trouble

only when you are unlucky,

you think.

When a girl child is pressed

she will walk with her legs pressed together

her hips swinging from side to side.

She will approach the door of the loo

turn the handle and with little strength

push the door open

using her hips

The nail helps, the door will not open.

But this afternoon you are unlucky

A boychild is pressed

His mind thinking of only one thing

“I must pee. I MUST PEE”.

He rushes into the house

runs straight to the loo

Your post has just gone through

Posted successfully

You sit up straight [sigh]

feeling happy with yourself

The boy reaches the door

Places his hands on his chest

bent at the elbow and

pushes the door open

the loose nail is out of the frame

in a second hits your face so hard

Thinking the detectives have tracked you down

You suddenly stand up

hand on your forehead

clothes down to your ankles

and scream at the top of your voice

“Aaaaaa…. I have been shot!

Help help I have been shot!

The boy who did not expect to find someone

who is almost dying from a gunshot in the loo

Runs out screaming

straight to his home

And into the loo

If it was a different person

sitting in the loo

looking out for any insects…

She’ll be screaming

“Iiiiiiiiiii help! I have been stung…

Help! I’ve been stung.”

And a good neighbour

calls the emergency police line.

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